Hurt people hurt people. My first boyfriend told me that during a reunion of sorts last year. He emailed me saying I could have at it at him for being such a dick, or at the very least that’s how I will surmise for blogsake. So, we had dinner and conversation. I had no idea what I was going to say, I happened to be a great place in life and was amusing his quandary into forgiveness, thought maybe he was in a step program or something. We started talking about the past, and all it did was remind me how awesome I was, and how rad as fuck I am now. It was great. Not to be said the same for him. We discontinued further dinners and conversations. But I did receive an email around this last Thanksgiving, it was simply,
“Hi.I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore.I just wanted to recommend a book.The library carries it. Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch, Ph. D Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries.”
I laughed out loud so good. I thought it was wonderfully awkward, two things I so enjoy. After laughing then I got weirdly defensive, ah, what’s that about? Oh, dialogue, reaction, conversation. We had a go at a few more email correspondences where he informed me it’s a book he’s reading and caught up on some current headlines and have come to the conclusion that we are happy for each other and respect that we should never have anymore reunions. Walking in forgiveness is something he has helped me hone. Each time I let him down, I thank him. Hurt people, hurt people. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions run your operating system, your core, your central nervous system, the universe. Are your friends electric? Mine are. If you project enough light onto the matter, you will be surprised how likely it is to shine true. As we progress as subatomic particles reeling from one life to the next, how might then we relax enough to find our own magnetic nightmares reel to reel. We are all just energized characters to show in attempts to work together to clean up the messy bits.
Putting yourself out there, allowing pure vulnerability to guide ones tongue or hold it, each take skill and patience. There are those of you reading this that know me, and know that at this point in the conversation I would be making wild gestures with my hands right now and perhaps already have looked far off in the distance at the story played out in my head that forces you to look in the same direction that I so intensely hold in my tractor beam stare, only then to jump right back into present tense making you feel silly inside for looking. My dear friend Jenn LaPlante was the first friend like substance to ever give me mad props on my writing. In the olden days, back when we had the Myspace, Jenn and I were friends. I have a feeling she read everything on my page and tried really really hard to not like me, hoping that her recent ex-boyfriend, whom happened to be my friend’s brother, wouldn’t have a go at me. Even with her tainted eyes, she still couldn’t not like me. I wrote a paper on Life and some other slightly existential babble, and she told me one night how much she really loved it. Even to this day is my biggest cheerleader and loves me dearly, cause I make it so very hard not to.
Recently after cordless weed whacking through all of life’s “likes” and “friends list” and exchanging some colorful choice words of late. Sitting with it all, so much in my short years, allowing time to melt shame and sorrow away without the haunt of words as they follow me. I have come to a glass wall, and I got options; possessive, plural, endless. Sitting now with all the teachers and friends once of a different color, I feel such grace and abundant love. Some I’ve allowed presence and others more present. Each of us sharing glimpses of the truth. When you neglect to give someone the vantage of being more at one with the world through their own unique being, you deny them access to the deepest ancient secrets that we all hold and belongs equally to me as you.
Watch those tractor beams, careful where you pour and shed the light, others projections are mirrored glimpses into our reality, focus the light just right and magnify with your own perspective and there you have it. We are all powerful lights that make each magnetic story come true.