I was unhappy with my office gig. Another dead-end job. Stagnant, no room for growth, just chasing another paycheck. I was depressed and feeling stuck. I had been here before, but something was different this time, I didn’t feel as hopeless. Deep inside, I felt big changes on the horizon and I wasn’t afraid. I told someone close to me how I was feeling and she told me about a book that transformed her life and got her on track to starting her own thriving business. She let me borrow her copy of, “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting” by Lynn Grabhorn. It was a fun and easy read, confirmed a lot of my inherent truths, and essentially laid out a simple strategy for recognizing old patterns/feelings/thoughts/energy that no longer serve you and how to replace them with new patterns/feelings/thoughts/energy that you want. Law of Attraction 101; the magic of manifesting by focusing your feelings with intention. Be it your desires or your worries, by the “universal powers of All that is”, where you focus your energy is what you will recieve in return. I felt lighter with each turn of the page and finished reading the book within days.
“I intend to be at peace with all life”, I repeated aloud to myself on my drive to work a couple of days after I read the book. Still morning, but before lunch sitting at my desk I felt a strong urge to go for a walk in the sunshine, I wanted to move my body and feel my heart. The forecast called for a warm day and lucky for me I had just scored a pair of vintage baby blue corduroy shorts at a thrift shop the week before. Less than a mile away from the office I took a different trail than I usually did. California poppies in full May bloom lined the entrance of Anderson Marsh State Park as I watched blue-bellied lizards vanish from their sun soaked rocky perches with each step. Within minutes into the marked path I had chosen, I was overcome by a vision of a rattlesnake fangs deep in my calf. In my minds eye watching the blood stream down my ankle, my initial feeling was oddly serene, then immediately I began to resist the images fearing that I would attract just that. I laughed a shaky awkward laugh and kept walking. Looking to the left and to right of the high grasses on each side of the dirt trail, realization hit and I thought, “well, this is the perfect time of day for a rattlesnake to be just chillin’ right about now.” It all happened so fast. Not three minutes later there she was sunning less than a foot away. Within an instant I screamed at it, I felt the vibrations of the sound I created as they directed toward the rattlesnake. It felt like the snake was just as startled as I was, it hissed as it flashed its fangs and we both immediately fled opposite directions. My heart was beating what felt like a foot out of my chest. I sure got a dose of what I wanted alright.
The next day at my other office for work I continued with my intention to be at peace with all life. I felt more full of life and continued to let worries fade away as I patched them with new found and rediscovered heartfelt desires. Still morning, but not yet lunch I was sitting at my desk. My supervisor came into the building much earlier than she usually did, she stopped briefly in front of my door and said she had to print some things and then she’d be back to talk to me. For whatever reason I knew something was up, I could feel what was to happen next. Fifteen or more minutes later she came into my office and closed the door behind her. Due to no fault of my own, effective immediately I was being laid off. I felt ethereally calm. She was in tears and mentioned that I was taking it much better than she was. I touched her hands with mine and said “Everything’s going to be OK. Everything is going to be OK.” She gave me time to collect my stuff and return any company belongings. I did just that and walked out the building. I felt free. I knew exactly what I needed to do, it was time to follow my desires and spread my entrepreneurial wings. And I’ve been up to just that. I have exciting news and intend on sharing more of this journey with you. And too, continue to be at peace with all life, even when rattled.
“Good to finally see you happy.” It’s true, I am happy, but it’s not because of just anyone. It’s something I found inside. Actively letting go of thought forms that no longer serve peace within is good for the heart. Side effects may include; overall well-being, corners of mouth curling upright, occasional streams of joy, an all encompassing glow, and infectious laughter. I needed to discover and continue to unabashedly unleash my own happy self in order to be an irresistible magnet to more happiness. Make sense? For me, it didn’t always, but grateful I now do my best to no longer put my satisfaction in other nouns. Exercising gratitude daily is a simple way to forge an inner well of happiness.
Before I began typing, I sat here in my Great Grandpa Carl’s pine captain’s chair, crying. Getting caught up in happy is a pleasurable occasion, but emotions aren’t static. A dynamic spectrum of feels exist. Moments of discontent and sorrow happen. I had been trying to hijack my state of mind by thinking of reasons I am grateful and was about to write them down, but in this particular moment I gave in to feel and express sadness. My initial thought was to resist being sad and transmute it as quick as humanly possible into happiness. But that’s just the thing, I cannot do that without living the plethora of ever-changing, energetic, intimate human experiences. We have so many options, not always extremes; happy vs. sad, good or bad. Mostly just it what it is, but when choice is in motion, I choose to live out the rest of this spell with a smile.
How do you evoke time? Where are your memories? In the dance of life where are your muscles sore? Where is the source of your expression? All these questions and like a quest or game you’ll have answers. I went to my first NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting a couple of years ago at a local chapter. I felt much relief there. Know your audience. We were all there to feel we weren’t alone. I was one of the last to share in the group that evening. After I spoke, many shared that if it were them, they’d be very angry. I was at the time releasing what I was considering, “righteous” anger. Anger is anger. The energetic root of anger continues to pull over time, keeping track of it if you will. Something’s I’ve learned from anger is traveling back and forth through time goes against why you’re here and your body tells no lies. Healing on any level elicits restoration at all levels; mind, body, and spirit. Fields upon fields, every kind of energy exists.
“Circles upon circles” Megan sang. When you decide to sign-up for an open mic night in San Rafael, CA on your birthday because it feels good, know your audience. Something I am fine-tuning is just that. I am quickly understanding who my audience is and is not. Three young people stare up at me with all the attention in their worlds. I acknowledge their beaming existence as I take my place on stage. I mostly didn’t know what I was going to say and quickly made an executive decision to not go full HBO. Know your audience. I love show and tell. Love and the divine feminine are good themes throughout all of life, especially at night and birthdays. I shared truths, smiles, laughs, gratitude, and most of all, love. When anger and fear is no longer rewarding and rewired with joy through self-love and gratitude the light within and around fills and feels higher, brighter. You are the audience and your heart is the star, know your audience.
Heart break. So much heartache, suffering, grief, guilt, shame, anger. Getting to the root, roots of dis-ease. What would Elaine Brown advise to do. “Put it in a poem” “Put a poem on it.” Or my favorite, “be your damn self.” She has guided me through my own abstractions many times. I am forever grateful, for it is even more precious when I know how rare those kinds of intimate connections are why we have all survived this long. Collaboration, community, connection and many more c words that make the world go round. Our earth-centric YOLO living lives have brought us back to the brink. We’ve been here before, but you are here now. Where is your source of expression? Have you experienced it, can you feel it? How may you manifest it? It takes love and connection. Borrowed for a time until come into one’s own perhaps? But let’s be here now. Write your own stories. Paint the skies. We are here now. So let’s shred tears of glory on amps turned to up to 11. Turn gun metal into art made by compassion, skill, and bravery. Make more commemorations of visages from history like the Berlin Wall, The National Memorial for Peace and Justice, acknowledging first nation peoples and honoring their expression, more of that yes, more of that. Peacefully protest and dance at your local dive bar. Instantly take pictures of temporary forevers and see if they’ll hang them in your local coffee shop. Captured are only the imaginations of limitation. Fashion your passion. What is your whole body dying for you to say? There must be balance in all this stimulating entropic state we find ourselves in. Right? So like Elaine Brown/Poet E Spoken says, like me, love, me or leave me alone. Happy Aquarian Age everybody! Get doing. Express what you must. And go support local artists, go to your local playhouse and library if you are lucky enough to live in an American city that has one. Stay tuned to an upcoming 2018 calendar of readings and shows. And defiantly check out Café Leila’s My Open Mic the second Friday of each month at 1724 San Pablo Ave Berkeley, California.
Like shooting fish in a barrel Back at the same hole Flying fish too can swim With one eye to the sky I’ve yet to try that new smile The one suited just for you Queue synapses give or take a clue or two Much like space Rendering time Out on a limb relentlessly re-positioning I hang like bait Hopelessly pondering my own fate I fear a fall my back may break Recognizing Venus took the hook Scaled fortune dine No longer in peril I seem to unravel Vulnerable yet sublime
The more I observe my conclusions and ask, “Do I really know this to be true?”, the more free I feel to be me. It’s that simple. The answer is hardly ever affirmative, yet very liberating. I feel that needing to know has much to do with control, and when let go, poof, like magic I feel relieved.
My path led me here and for that I am grateful for all experience. Heart break is one force that brought me to you right now. Recently I realized anger still lingered in me, as it had for some time. Shame, betrayal, abandonment; these are all subtle forms of anger. Feeling unworthy of love, worried to feel vulnerable, afraid to let go of the past; these are examples of inward anger. By being aware of my patterns I’ve been able to connect with the love that was always inside. Yes, to be loved by another can be and feel remarkable, but not another can do the loving for you.
There are many shapes of heart ache, just as there are as many of love. Our world, this globe of Earth we call home with its many life forms clinging to it are all undergoing one form or another. Our hearts are big enough to love and break time and time again, it is ultimately what you carry through, be it light or heavy. But, do I really know this to be true? Nope, can’t say that I do.
Where do you go when I close my eyes? Take a breath between the sounds of far off cries. Shall I fall apart from head to heart? Kundalini’s poignant slither pulling roots from top hats. Who’s side of the Mississippi River? Salutations my dear, have you seen love hanging around here? Last seen between anger and sorrow. Gems of blues leaving for tomorrow. Don’t take that sparkle too far. Let me be your loadstar. Like a gleam, present holds all you can dream. I’ll make room from port to bow, oh what I allowed allowed allowed. Aloud with voices, turned on choices all the while inflammatory thinking ships into a crawl sinking bliss worse of all. Take me dreamboat, nave of here & now, sailing liquid time. Surrendering waves, oh what a paradigm.